Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, rape, suicide, the medical profession, tagged adventure, aging, arrest, bag ladies, bar, bathroom, can't hear, can't see, can't walk, caricature of myself, cats, choking me, college, confrontation, Crazy Cat Lady, crone, damaged, evil, freezing, garden, hate, honorarium, horror, hospital, husband, Joni Mitchell, landlord, lay in bed and watch movies, loved, lover, managing editor, marginalized, missing teeth, missing The Brass Ring, n love, naked, not loved, nursing home, pain, people screaming "Bitch!", pharmacy, pills and beer, poetry, poverty, powerful, powerless, PTSD, rape, research institituion, running out the door, Solstice, suicide, suicide attempts, talented, unemployed, University, Valium, wanting to kill, wasted talent, young on 4 July, 2008 | No Comments »
16 June 2008
I know now why I cannot live. I know now why I cannot find a place in this world for me; there *is* no place in this world for me.
I am 52 years old. Half or more of my teeth are missing. I have no job. I am in [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, US politics, rape, suicide, tagged assassinations, Barack Obama, Bobby Kennedy, Dr. King, dream world, dreams, hope, lover, music, mutilated, passion, quasi-rape, sex, sexuality, suicide attempt, The Lady of Shalot, US politics, VIN surgery, violated on 4 April, 2008 | 2 Comments »
4 April 2008
It is Friday afternoon, April 4, and I am thinking about that shot ringing out in the Memphis sky.
I may be white, but somehow, many of my heroes are black. And Dr. King is certainly one of them. The vision, the dreams, the words, the courage – he had them all. [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, the medical profession, tagged animal abuse, bus, cars, cats, copays, depression, driving, friends, friendships, home energy assistance, Humane Society, insurance, Internet, kindness, litterboxes, loneliness, medical profession, poverty, rape, Reclast, Red Lobster, rheumatologist, voting on 4 March, 2008 | No Comments »
4 March 2008
It’s raining again. A cold rain, slicing to the bone. Every Tuesday, every Friday, for weeks now it has been rain or snow. It chills me, entices me to lay down and sleep, forgetting the pain and fear in my life right now.
I thought I was going to have to [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, the medical profession, tagged aloneness, cancer, cats, debate, Googling, gynecologist, mutilation, poverty, precancerous, Reclast, rheumatologist, sedation, sexuality, suicidal thoughts, VIN, vulva on 28 February, 2008 | 1 Comment »
27 February 2008
What is precancerous? How can they tell something is pre cancerous? Isn’t it either cancerous or not?
Yesterday, I stood in the cold, snow falling, having stumbled off the bus to the news from my cell phone that indeed, I have a “precancerous condition”. That’s what the doctor said. “What [...]
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28 January 2008
The process has begun.
We talked Saturday, and he managed to be reasonable up to a point before going off on me yet again. This is the way it always works. Well, that is not entirely true. Actually, it is rare that he can sit down and be a reasonable adult for [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, tagged abuse, alcoholism, Colin Powell, divorce, English language, Happy Fairy, illness, mental illness, word misuse on 4 February, 2008 | No Comments »
January 23, 2008
It is getting worse again. R. is arguing, baiting, yelling, accusing, demeaning, demanding, and generally pouring out a fount of negativity in my direction. I wonder how much longer I can take this ocean of emotional negativity.
I’m not using the word “abuse”. Make no mistake; it is abuse. But [...]
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24 January 2008
There are times I think I cannot take any more of this, this being the verbiage hurled at me by my emotional wreck of a husband. But silence does not seem to make me feel better: yesterday, he did not speak to me at all, leaving in silence, and, by the [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, tagged cabs, cats, grocery store, pet food, pharmacy, Social Security on 4 February, 2008 | No Comments »
19 January 2008
Sometimes, I feel defeated. I feel too weary to fight, and feel much too sorry for myself, ending up blubbering like an idiot, a middle-aged woman acting like a child, tears flowing down my face unchecked and unbounded. And it sometimes only takes a bad day to find me at this [...]
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16 January 2008
So. As usual I procrastinate. I sometimes suspect that procrastination is the basis of my screwing up in life.
So we have decided on divorce. And although I believe it is the right thing to do, I have a rainbow of emotions running around my heart.
I cried to my mother-in-law the [...]
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1 January, 2008
This is my journal. It is sometimes ugly and brutal, sometimes beautiful and tender, but it is always honest.
In a lot of ways, I am like everyone else. In other ways I am like no one else.
Today is New Year’s Day. While others eat sauerkraut and clean their homes, [...]
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