Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, rape, suicide, the medical profession, tagged adventure, aging, arrest, bag ladies, bar, bathroom, can't hear, can't see, can't walk, caricature of myself, cats, choking me, college, confrontation, Crazy Cat Lady, crone, damaged, evil, freezing, garden, hate, honorarium, horror, hospital, husband, Joni Mitchell, landlord, lay in bed and watch movies, loved, lover, managing editor, marginalized, missing teeth, missing The Brass Ring, n love, naked, not loved, nursing home, pain, people screaming "Bitch!", pharmacy, pills and beer, poetry, poverty, powerful, powerless, PTSD, rape, research institituion, running out the door, Solstice, suicide, suicide attempts, talented, unemployed, University, Valium, wanting to kill, wasted talent, young on 4 July, 2008 | No Comments »
16 June 2008
I know now why I cannot live. I know now why I cannot find a place in this world for me; there *is* no place in this world for me.
I am 52 years old. Half or more of my teeth are missing. I have no job. I am in [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, rape, the medical profession, tagged Arthur, bounced checks, Brando, breathing, brutal, Burn the Witch, cancer hospital, cats, cereal, cold, cold haif dryer, Cosmo, cry, daze, denial, don't eat much, Dr. C., ear lanced, feeding, feel like a prisoner, happy anesthesiologist, harsh lights, healing herbs, help other women, hematoma, hospital gown, instruments, Internet, intubation, killing myself, labia, lack of sleep, Lasix, let me down again, lungs, mask, metallic, midwifery, Mojo bag, Morphine, need help, not a morning person, observers, Oxycodone, pad, pain meds, phone calls, physicians, pieces I will never get back, prayer, Prednisolone, pretzels, promised to help, Purina One, purring, rape victim, right to privacy, rituals, shame of asking for help, shower seat, showers, sleeping, smoking, spells, squirt bottle, sterile, stripped of jewelry, student observer, surgery, sweets, took half the inner vulva lip, vagina, Verced, washing privates by hand, what would shooting myself in head feel like, where is hope, wise women, Witch Burnings, Witch hysteria, woman at bank, young woman on 2 June, 2008 | No Comments »
2 June 2008
I know I haven’t written much. I have sunk into myself so deeply, I can’t see my way out.
Before the surgery, I did nothing but fight and argue and scream and beg, none of it doing a whit of good. I did not want observers. I did not want a [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, the medical profession, tagged "agree t0 use knowledge to help womeh", back to bed, media relations, student observerskk intubation, the medical profession, try tomorrow, Vercedm morphine, VIN on 23 May, 2008 | No Comments »
23 May 2008
This awful thing In my life Is now over, and I still live somehow.
The worst was the waiting, and the trying desperately to get someone – anyone – to listen to my fears, my concerns, my needs. They didn’t care about those things. They said all they cared about was my [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, rape, the medical profession, tagged accident, afternoon, anesthesiologist, anger, anxiety, blood test results, body weak in morning, cat fod, CDs, colonoscopy doctor, consent form, country, crying, doctor, doctor's assistant, EKG, emotion, exam, fear, funerals, grocery store, gynecological, gyno-onco, hospital, house burning down, humiliation, hurt, intubation, medical records, mother's death, movies, MRIs, neighbor, nursing staff, oncologist, pain, police offer, pre-op test results, rape, rude, sleep, sobbing, sorrow, strength, student observers, surgery, tears, terror, the word "no", TV news, VIN, weddings, women and children, x-rays on 6 May, 2008 | No Comments »
6 May 2008
I didn’t.
Of course I didn’t. That bit of strength within me has been swallowed up by massive emotional beasts of fear, terror, anxiety, anger, hurt, pain, humiliation and sorrow. I cannot seem to deal with any of this without breaking down in tears, and sometimes, it frustrates me.
I am a cryer. [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, the medical profession, tagged allergies, anesthesia, asthma, bad teeth, cancer, choking anxiety, colonoscopy, deaf, dental surgery, endoscopy, hospital policy, intubation, Katie Couric, medical martyr, missed the bus, mutilation, pain, pills, police, postnasal drip, power, pre-operative, radiation, rules, spina bifida occulta, spinal anesthetic, swallowing anxiety, tonsillectomy, twilight state, vomiting, waking up during anesthesia, x-rays on 30 April, 2008 | No Comments »
30 April 2008
I can’t stop trembling. I can’t stop crying. Everywhere I go, everyone I talk to, gets five minutes of peace before I break down.
Today was my pre-operative nightmare. I was handled by so many people I feel like I have disappeared. That is the way they make you feel: [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, rape, the medical profession, tagged "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings", "Mel Gibson - Dream Gynecologist", "Saturday Night Live", "The Wicker Man", anesthesia, bleeding, breast cancer, bus transportation, C-section, cancer, cane, cat, dermatoma, dignity, dislodged tube, Ellen Burstyn, female mutilation, getting drunk, gynecologic examination, gynecology, humanity, insurance, lesbian, male doctors, mourning, mutilation, Nicholas Cage, oncology, ovarian cyst, pain, Pap test, pizza, Quaker, rape, raw emotion, Rolling Rock, scarring, smoking, speculum, spina bifida occulta, student observation, Sudoku, surgery, teaching hospital, thin skin, vagina, veterinarian, vinegar, vulva on 26 April, 2008 | No Comments »
26 April 2008
Yesterday, I met for the first time with my gynecologic oncologist. It was a nightmare.
The first bus I had to catch was ten minutes late, which meant that I probably was not going to be able to catch the second bus to get there on time, and which meant I would have [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, the medical profession, tagged "Rebel Without a Clue", Add new tag, agnosticm, anesthesia, antidepressants, Bast, Bonnie Tyler, buses, cab, cat group, cats, Christian, chronic kidney failure, computer games, Cosmo, darkness, depression, divorce, doctors, falling, fighting City Hall, financial, frustration, genealogy, gynecologist, Hades, health, HEAP, heart murmur, hematoma, Jew, light, math, miracles, MRI, MS, neurologist, normalcy, obsessive, Persephone, pharmacies, police, prayer, redneck bar, Sikh, Social Security, stress, Sudoku, surgery, TIA, Traffic and Parking, veterinarian, videos, Wicca on 19 April, 2008 | No Comments »
18 April 2008
It does seem as though the darkness seeks me out. I wonder sometimes how much one woman can take at once? I know that others have taken more, but my ability to deal with things is as flimsy as the excuses I sometimes tell myself about why I can’t deal with [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, US politics, rape, suicide, tagged assassinations, Barack Obama, Bobby Kennedy, Dr. King, dream world, dreams, hope, lover, music, mutilated, passion, quasi-rape, sex, sexuality, suicide attempt, The Lady of Shalot, US politics, VIN surgery, violated on 4 April, 2008 | 2 Comments »
4 April 2008
It is Friday afternoon, April 4, and I am thinking about that shot ringing out in the Memphis sky.
I may be white, but somehow, many of my heroes are black. And Dr. King is certainly one of them. The vision, the dreams, the words, the courage – he had them all. [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, rape, suicide, the medical profession, tagged converter boxes, depression, garden, gynecologist, HEAP, landlord, making phone calls, mutilation, oncologist, ovarian cyst, Pap test, patient dumping, rape, rent, second opinion, Social Security, spring, suicide, surgery, the medical profession, utility bills, vulva, waiting on 30 March, 2008 | No Comments »
30 March 2008
It seems like all I am doing lately is waiting. It’s like the world has slowed and stopped, and nothing is moving forward. I am waiting, but what am I waiting for?
When I was a teenager, I wrote a short poem that said something about waiting for spring, for life and [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, rape, suicide, the medical profession, tagged bitterness, burglaries, cancer support chat, COPD, cruelty, gynecologist, insurance, Internet, osteoporosis, poverty, precancerous, rape, rheumatologist, suicidal thoughts, the medical profession, VIN on 11 March, 2008 | 1 Comment »
11 March 2008
Is it any wonder that I fail to trust in the good things happening to me, when each time a tiny tendril of goodness peeks out from the shade, it is brutally crushed by some cruel bastard’s big boot?
My friend comes to visit, I find out I have friends on the Internet, all [...]
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