Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, rape, suicide, the medical profession, tagged adventure, aging, arrest, bag ladies, bar, bathroom, can't hear, can't see, can't walk, caricature of myself, cats, choking me, college, confrontation, Crazy Cat Lady, crone, damaged, evil, freezing, garden, hate, honorarium, horror, hospital, husband, Joni Mitchell, landlord, lay in bed and watch movies, loved, lover, managing editor, marginalized, missing teeth, missing The Brass Ring, n love, naked, not loved, nursing home, pain, people screaming "Bitch!", pharmacy, pills and beer, poetry, poverty, powerful, powerless, PTSD, rape, research institituion, running out the door, Solstice, suicide, suicide attempts, talented, unemployed, University, Valium, wanting to kill, wasted talent, young on 4 July, 2008 | No Comments »
16 June 2008
I know now why I cannot live. I know now why I cannot find a place in this world for me; there *is* no place in this world for me.
I am 52 years old. Half or more of my teeth are missing. I have no job. I am in [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, rape, the medical profession, tagged Arthur, bounced checks, Brando, breathing, brutal, Burn the Witch, cancer hospital, cats, cereal, cold, cold haif dryer, Cosmo, cry, daze, denial, don't eat much, Dr. C., ear lanced, feeding, feel like a prisoner, happy anesthesiologist, harsh lights, healing herbs, help other women, hematoma, hospital gown, instruments, Internet, intubation, killing myself, labia, lack of sleep, Lasix, let me down again, lungs, mask, metallic, midwifery, Mojo bag, Morphine, need help, not a morning person, observers, Oxycodone, pad, pain meds, phone calls, physicians, pieces I will never get back, prayer, Prednisolone, pretzels, promised to help, Purina One, purring, rape victim, right to privacy, rituals, shame of asking for help, shower seat, showers, sleeping, smoking, spells, squirt bottle, sterile, stripped of jewelry, student observer, surgery, sweets, took half the inner vulva lip, vagina, Verced, washing privates by hand, what would shooting myself in head feel like, where is hope, wise women, Witch Burnings, Witch hysteria, woman at bank, young woman on 2 June, 2008 | No Comments »
2 June 2008
I know I haven’t written much. I have sunk into myself so deeply, I can’t see my way out.
Before the surgery, I did nothing but fight and argue and scream and beg, none of it doing a whit of good. I did not want observers. I did not want a [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, rape, the medical profession, tagged "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings", "Mel Gibson - Dream Gynecologist", "Saturday Night Live", "The Wicker Man", anesthesia, bleeding, breast cancer, bus transportation, C-section, cancer, cane, cat, dermatoma, dignity, dislodged tube, Ellen Burstyn, female mutilation, getting drunk, gynecologic examination, gynecology, humanity, insurance, lesbian, male doctors, mourning, mutilation, Nicholas Cage, oncology, ovarian cyst, pain, Pap test, pizza, Quaker, rape, raw emotion, Rolling Rock, scarring, smoking, speculum, spina bifida occulta, student observation, Sudoku, surgery, teaching hospital, thin skin, vagina, veterinarian, vinegar, vulva on 26 April, 2008 | No Comments »
26 April 2008
Yesterday, I met for the first time with my gynecologic oncologist. It was a nightmare.
The first bus I had to catch was ten minutes late, which meant that I probably was not going to be able to catch the second bus to get there on time, and which meant I would have [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, the medical profession, tagged "Rebel Without a Clue", Add new tag, agnosticm, anesthesia, antidepressants, Bast, Bonnie Tyler, buses, cab, cat group, cats, Christian, chronic kidney failure, computer games, Cosmo, darkness, depression, divorce, doctors, falling, fighting City Hall, financial, frustration, genealogy, gynecologist, Hades, health, HEAP, heart murmur, hematoma, Jew, light, math, miracles, MRI, MS, neurologist, normalcy, obsessive, Persephone, pharmacies, police, prayer, redneck bar, Sikh, Social Security, stress, Sudoku, surgery, TIA, Traffic and Parking, veterinarian, videos, Wicca on 19 April, 2008 | No Comments »
18 April 2008
It does seem as though the darkness seeks me out. I wonder sometimes how much one woman can take at once? I know that others have taken more, but my ability to deal with things is as flimsy as the excuses I sometimes tell myself about why I can’t deal with [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, the medical profession, tagged animal abuse, bus, cars, cats, copays, depression, driving, friends, friendships, home energy assistance, Humane Society, insurance, Internet, kindness, litterboxes, loneliness, medical profession, poverty, rape, Reclast, Red Lobster, rheumatologist, voting on 4 March, 2008 | No Comments »
4 March 2008
It’s raining again. A cold rain, slicing to the bone. Every Tuesday, every Friday, for weeks now it has been rain or snow. It chills me, entices me to lay down and sleep, forgetting the pain and fear in my life right now.
I thought I was going to have to [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, the medical profession, tagged aloneness, cancer, cats, debate, Googling, gynecologist, mutilation, poverty, precancerous, Reclast, rheumatologist, sedation, sexuality, suicidal thoughts, VIN, vulva on 28 February, 2008 | 1 Comment »
27 February 2008
What is precancerous? How can they tell something is pre cancerous? Isn’t it either cancerous or not?
Yesterday, I stood in the cold, snow falling, having stumbled off the bus to the news from my cell phone that indeed, I have a “precancerous condition”. That’s what the doctor said. “What [...]
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22 February 2008
The snow does not seem to want to stop. Each day, more piles up. The streets outside are blessedly silent. And after the storm, I take a breath.
It isn’t that I didn’t have things to do today. But quietly, slowly, I made a couple of calls, paid a bill [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, divorce, the medical profession, tagged Beltane, Camelot, cats, COPD, Excalibur, John Boormann, King Arthur, litter boxes, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Naproxen, personal power, re-connecting with self, Stevie Nicks, The Mists of Avalon, Wicca on 22 February, 2008 | No Comments »
8 February 2008
Oh, it’s still bad, of course. There are times I just burst into tears for no apparent reason. The HMO is giving me the runaround. I’ve been waiting since Tuesday to get my medication for my thrush (a nasty side effect of taking the inhalers for my COPD), I am [...]
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Posted in Life, cats, the medical profession, tagged Ativan, bad bus drivers, doctors, Dr. Nick, drug-seeking behavior, Heath Ledger, Hydrocodone, medications, Naproxen, Nystatin, Prozac, Social Security on 21 February, 2008 | No Comments »
6 February 2008
Not that I’m not already there, of course. It just seems the flames keep getting hotter.
Alone is hard. Alone is afraid. Alone is empty. Alone is alone.
And I am very alone.
But I have to do what I have to do to survive. Or at least make a half-hearted [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, tagged cabs, cats, grocery store, pet food, pharmacy, Social Security on 4 February, 2008 | No Comments »
19 January 2008
Sometimes, I feel defeated. I feel too weary to fight, and feel much too sorry for myself, ending up blubbering like an idiot, a middle-aged woman acting like a child, tears flowing down my face unchecked and unbounded. And it sometimes only takes a bad day to find me at this [...]
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