Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, suicide, tagged black cat tattoo, businesses popped up, cab driver, cats, change, dead businesses, dumps me, feeling safe, friend not allowed to speak to me, friends, I have lost hope, I want to move NOW, killing myself, landlord who will allow 11 cats, Love, mobius strips, no money, no place to hang windchimes, not my home, nothing left for me here, people in the streets, place the cats, plants, porch torn down, roller skating, they changed all the rules, trees, update will, urban nightmare, vines, vines gone, Virginia Creeper, wild place, wildflowers, windchimes, world unkind and not a place I can call home on 14 October, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
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14 October 2008
I can hardly believe my eyes, or myself. Everything is changing so rapidly that I can no longer manage the curves.
When I moved in here, a little over a year ago, I moved into a place that I [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, death, rape, the medical profession, tagged "aluminum-wearing head", "get your ass on home, "I hate you, "I'm going to kill you", "My Left Foot", "the boys", "What are you doing here?", "Your life is going to be a lot shorter than you think, $300 co-pay, a week, absurd, accidental killing, Albutor, all alone, and I hate your damn vines, bipolar, birthday party, bitch!", black enough rock, broken left foot, bruised, burning, called, called police, called the police, can't breathe, can't breathe right, candlep-lit dark, candles, common-law-wife K. falling, concerned for her safety, congestive heart failure, controlling, COPD, coughing, cut off her knitting, death, Dominatrix, Dommes, dryer, electril bill of over $600, emergency room, emtional abuse, every name in the book, file charges, food all go bad, Food spoined, Food Stamps, friendship, frustrated, gas bill, half-dozen things wrong with my foot, hallucinating, harassed the electric company, healing well, heel, HIV, honesty, hot water, Hurricane Ike, husband is an asshole, life threatened, losing breathing ability, losing electricty, losing my air conditioners, lost card, low titers, mental abuse, mess, music, nearly rammed car within inches of a truck, next-door-neighbor, night prosecuter's office, note from doctor, pain, panic attack, panicked, pathetic loser, physical therapy, picnic, podiatrist, poor vision, Prednisone, psychological abuse, psychology, punished her for talking to me, rabbi, railroad spikes, rained, rape, right foot, sad, Salvation Army voucher, sarcasm, screamed, screaming, she lied, she lied to the police, she was truthful, shit-infested bull, sirens, sister-in-law, six days without computer, six days without lights, stable for 20 years, stove, suggestion, suicide, tap-dancing in a roomfull of cats, The Boot, threatened me a third time, threatened to kill me, three doctors, threw houseplants on the ground, Thrush, told to stay on my side of the yard, too", trying to call, TV and DVD, walking, washer, welfare merry-go-round, whip, winds, won't let her get on the phone, x-rays on 2 October, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
2 October 2008
Yes, I am back. No, I did not kill myself or accidentally get myself killed – yet. I have two partial entries written, but things kept happening so fast around me, I couldn’t get anything finished before something else fell on top of my aluminum-wearing head (that is a joke). [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, the medical profession, tagged "Always pour soalt over your left shoulder if you spill, and fall in love as often as possible.", angry I was alive, ankle, anniversary, apologetic, appointments, artemisia. "Practical Magic", automatic withdrawals, beautiful green dress, beer, behind on phone bill, behind on rent, broken, bruise, catnip, clinic, cornucopia, crying in pain, denied SSI claim, disappeared, dreamscape, ease of living, exercise, fade away, fibromyalgia, floating, garden, good night's sleep, goodbye, hard to breathe, heat and humidity, hit by a bus, if only they would find me, insurance money, Internet, landlord hates me, lavender, long-distance, losing weight, love and money, lover, madness, medical certification, meds, Neurontin, ortho, pain, patient mode, pill collection, pills, plant lavender for luck and rosemary at your garden gat, psychics, rent, rest, rheumatologist, rosemary and basil, roses and sweets, screams at me, self-care, shut off electricity, sleep, sprain, stay away from stress, submissive, suicide, tomatoes, too curious about tomorrow, Vicoprofen, who wins the election, willing to open my heart, woke up in hospital on 4 August, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
4 August 2008
I feel like I am floating in some strange dreamscape, where nothing is real. I reach out to touch, but whatever I try to touch simply disappears. Perhaps I have disappeared.
The madness continues. Do I really expect it to stop? Yes, I do. I call myself an idiot [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, rape, suicide, the medical profession, tagged adventure, aging, arrest, bag ladies, bar, bathroom, can't hear, can't see, can't walk, caricature of myself, cats, choking me, college, confrontation, Crazy Cat Lady, crone, damaged, evil, freezing, garden, hate, honorarium, horror, hospital, husband, Joni Mitchell, landlord, lay in bed and watch movies, loved, lover, managing editor, marginalized, missing teeth, missing The Brass Ring, n love, naked, not loved, nursing home, pain, people screaming "Bitch!", pharmacy, pills and beer, poetry, poverty, powerful, powerless, PTSD, rape, research institituion, running out the door, Solstice, suicide, suicide attempts, talented, unemployed, University, Valium, wanting to kill, wasted talent, young on 4 July, 2008 | 2 Comments »
16 June 2008
I know now why I cannot live. I know now why I cannot find a place in this world for me; there *is* no place in this world for me.
I am 52 years old. Half or more of my teeth are missing. I have no job. I am in [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, rape, the medical profession, tagged Arthur, bounced checks, Brando, breathing, brutal, Burn the Witch, cancer hospital, cats, cereal, cold, cold haif dryer, Cosmo, cry, daze, denial, don't eat much, Dr. C., ear lanced, feeding, feel like a prisoner, happy anesthesiologist, harsh lights, healing herbs, help other women, hematoma, hospital gown, instruments, Internet, intubation, killing myself, labia, lack of sleep, Lasix, let me down again, lungs, mask, metallic, midwifery, Mojo bag, Morphine, need help, not a morning person, observers, Oxycodone, pad, pain meds, phone calls, physicians, pieces I will never get back, prayer, Prednisolone, pretzels, promised to help, Purina One, purring, rape victim, right to privacy, rituals, shame of asking for help, shower seat, showers, sleeping, smoking, spells, squirt bottle, sterile, stripped of jewelry, student observer, surgery, sweets, took half the inner vulva lip, vagina, Verced, washing privates by hand, what would shooting myself in head feel like, where is hope, wise women, Witch Burnings, Witch hysteria, woman at bank, young woman on 2 June, 2008 | 1 Comment »
2 June 2008
I know I haven’t written much. I have sunk into myself so deeply, I can’t see my way out.
Before the surgery, I did nothing but fight and argue and scream and beg, none of it doing a whit of good. I did not want observers. I did not want a [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, rape, the medical profession, tagged "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings", "Mel Gibson - Dream Gynecologist", "Saturday Night Live", "The Wicker Man", anesthesia, bleeding, breast cancer, bus transportation, C-section, cancer, cane, cat, dermatoma, dignity, dislodged tube, Ellen Burstyn, female mutilation, getting drunk, gynecologic examination, gynecology, humanity, insurance, lesbian, male doctors, mourning, mutilation, Nicholas Cage, oncology, ovarian cyst, pain, Pap test, pizza, Quaker, rape, raw emotion, Rolling Rock, scarring, smoking, speculum, spina bifida occulta, student observation, Sudoku, surgery, teaching hospital, thin skin, vagina, veterinarian, vinegar, vulva on 26 April, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
26 April 2008
Yesterday, I met for the first time with my gynecologic oncologist. It was a nightmare.
The first bus I had to catch was ten minutes late, which meant that I probably was not going to be able to catch the second bus to get there on time, and which meant I would have [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, cats, the medical profession, tagged "Rebel Without a Clue", Add new tag, agnosticm, anesthesia, antidepressants, Bast, Bonnie Tyler, buses, cab, cat group, cats, Christian, chronic kidney failure, computer games, Cosmo, darkness, depression, divorce, doctors, falling, fighting City Hall, financial, frustration, genealogy, gynecologist, Hades, health, HEAP, heart murmur, hematoma, Jew, light, math, miracles, MRI, MS, neurologist, normalcy, obsessive, Persephone, pharmacies, police, prayer, redneck bar, Sikh, Social Security, stress, Sudoku, surgery, TIA, Traffic and Parking, veterinarian, videos, Wicca on 19 April, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
18 April 2008
It does seem as though the darkness seeks me out. I wonder sometimes how much one woman can take at once? I know that others have taken more, but my ability to deal with things is as flimsy as the excuses I sometimes tell myself about why I can’t deal with [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, the medical profession, tagged animal abuse, bus, cars, cats, copays, depression, driving, friends, friendships, home energy assistance, Humane Society, insurance, Internet, kindness, litterboxes, loneliness, medical profession, poverty, rape, Reclast, Red Lobster, rheumatologist, voting on 4 March, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
4 March 2008
It’s raining again. A cold rain, slicing to the bone. Every Tuesday, every Friday, for weeks now it has been rain or snow. It chills me, entices me to lay down and sleep, forgetting the pain and fear in my life right now.
I thought I was going to have to [...]
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Posted in Journal, Life, Love, cats, the medical profession, tagged aloneness, cancer, cats, debate, Googling, gynecologist, mutilation, poverty, precancerous, Reclast, rheumatologist, sedation, sexuality, suicidal thoughts, VIN, vulva on 28 February, 2008 | 1 Comment »
27 February 2008
What is precancerous? How can they tell something is pre cancerous? Isn’t it either cancerous or not?
Yesterday, I stood in the cold, snow falling, having stumbled off the bus to the news from my cell phone that indeed, I have a “precancerous condition”. That’s what the doctor said. “What [...]
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22 February 2008
The snow does not seem to want to stop. Each day, more piles up. The streets outside are blessedly silent. And after the storm, I take a breath.
It isn’t that I didn’t have things to do today. But quietly, slowly, I made a couple of calls, paid a bill [...]
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